It's been awhile since I've posted. Since my failed run at NaBloPoMo in June, it has been very difficult to talk myself into bothering with blogging. To be truthful, the NaBloPoMo debacle isn't the reason I've been sporadic. While I could blame working (which is a small part) or spending time with the puppy (who is now a year old), I have to admit that it mostly has to do with the simple act of writing. Having spent such a long period of my life with only one goal in mind (to record my thoughts and observations on paper and, later, on the interwebs), it is hard to admit that I rarely have the strong urge to write anymore. I think I've been purposely pressing that innate urge down (because, really, we cannot change our true selves so easily) and so choosing not to write so that I won't miss it so much.

In any case, I am not promising that I am back for good or that I will even compose another post in the near future. What I can promise is that I will be trying to figure myself out more and so I may feel the need to record those explorations here.

For now, I will share a photo that best reveals how Travis has (finally) decided to dress the groomsmen:

"Michigan Farm Style Wedding," Weddingchicks.com

Essentially, Travis would like all his men to wear whatever suit they have and then the same color tie (or bowtie, in Graham's case). I happen to think it actually looks cool, but then I don't usually focus on matching things. So I hope that little wedding tidbit will hold you over until I am able to share more.

NaBloPoMo: Organ donors

I actually really want to see this movie. I've read the novel and the trailer seems to have created something that honors it. It doesn't come out until October, but I think I may read the book again in the meantime.

NaBloPoMo: Parental distinctions

My parents are very different. This week brings that fact into sharp focus.

As my wedding date nears, my mom has suddenly taken more of an interest in being a part of the planning, which is fine. What is so clarifying for me is that before committing to coming to visit me this weekend I had to assure her several times that there would be stuff to do. In essence, she needed a play-by-play before she decided that she was definitely coming down.

With dad, all he wants to know is that he can see me. What we do is irrelevant, it's the fact that we are spending time together that matters. Don't get me wrong, when dad and I hang out our time is usually jam-packed with activities. But we are much more spontaneous. And he is also content just talking or just sitting.

I sometimes wonder if my mom can handle just being near someone. She constantly needs to "do," despite the fact that she often complains about being too busy. Sometimes I think that she wants to be unhappy on purpose. In any case, I was never good at just scheduling every moment of my day so there would always be something to do; I am more laid-back, like dad. This is likely the reason that mom and I don't get along at all. Our sensibilities are so different that a natural tension develops when we spend time together. This state is exacerbated by the fact that mom can't accept that our ideologies differ. The experience is such that I look towards spending time with my mom with dread, and I search for reasons to avoid the experience.

When people ask me what my parents are like I tend to say my mom is my mom and then move on to describe my dad in more detail. I know him better, despite how little time we've had to spend together. According to mom, I have even developed some of his mannerisms over the years.

It is with this in mind that I know that mom and I will never have the experience that most do when they are planning a wedding. Mom and I approach things so differently that when I told dad that mom wanted to help, he said that I should remember that the day is about me, not mom. And he's right, of course. Dad's contribution to the wedding planning has always been as a sounding board (as he is for so much of my life) and I am grateful to him for reminding me what matters. Mom's contribution will likely be to remind me what I don't want for our big day.

But as I continue to plan my wedding, there is a certain resigned sadness that shadows the process. Not because of the relationship we won't have, but because I am sad that I can't give her the experience she so obviously wants. But this is the way it's been since high school and I don't ever want to compromise myself or my ideals just to make my mom happy. And it's not that I don't love my mother, because I do. But some things need to be accepted for life to move on.

Wax on, wax off...

So I apologize for my absence. Last weekend I went home and then on Monday the fiance and I adopted a puppy, so I haven't had much time to update this lovely blog. The first few days of having a puppy has been a mix of stressed panic attacks and wonderful moments. I grew up in a house with a cat, two dogs and a bird, so I'm no stranger to animal care. But, it's very different to adopt a puppy and take responsibility for another life, especially one so helpless.
At the same time, it's been great to see him grow and learn in such a short time.
Miyagi (after The Karate Kid sensei) is an 8-month-old lab/terrier mix with a cute wire hair beard, hence the sensei reference.
When we adopted Miyagi, we vowed to be very consistent and firm in his training. And there have been amazing moments when he suddenly got what we were teaching him. And it's so wonderful to just hang out with him. So, don't be surprised if you see some of my training experiences and stories about Miyagi.



What about you? Have you had a dog or do you own one right now? Feel free to share you stories about your pets or tips on training them here.

Dispatches from the job search: On cookies and (un)employment

The following is from a new blog I've created to record and cope with the trials and tribulations of my job search. Follow it here.

I was in the 11th grade when I took an advanced writing class at my high school. By then I knew I was going to be a wordsmith, I just hadn't quite figured out where to apply my talents. It was in that class that I was introduced to the field of journalism. My senior year I was accepted into a mentorship with the local newspaper. From day 1, when I was assigned my very first story as a reporter, I was hooked.
When I graduated from college - armed with a journalism degree, a year of experience as the editor in chief of the school paper and an undying passion for the art - I took my first job as a copy editor at a hyperlocal newspaper. Unfortunately that was also the year the newspaper business began a nosedive that ended with a phone call and the giant cookie you see above.
Alright, the path to that cookie wasn't nearly direct as I make it sound. I enjoyed almost two years of wonderful people willing to teach me the ropes. I grew to enjoy designing pages and eventually became a little obsessed with the online medium that all newspapers are moving into. And I will be forever grateful to those who took me under their wing and fought to keep me around. But, alas, I couldn't stay there forever. It seems a twist of fate has finally bulldozed me a new path.
On Wednesday morning - St. Patrick's Day - I received the summons to the HR office that all of us were dreading since the announcement came that layoffs were imminent. I was among those who were being laid off. It was the third round of layoffs that I had experienced since joining the paper, and I suppose my luck had finally run out.
I'm not embarrassed to say that I went to a bar that night. Of course, so did the rest of the nation. It was St. Paddy's Day, after all.
My fiance made me promise that I would not attempt to do anything for a few days. Take a break; that was his advice. But I'm not much of a take-a-break kind of person. I did start my job the day after I accepted my diploma, instead of taking a week off like everyone said I should have.
So, after celebrating that I was one quarter Irish (and mourning my career), I made the giant cookie you see above. And then I ate it. With ice cream and peanut butter. Because I could. And then I fell into a coma.
I woke up this morning, less than 24 hours into my newly unemployed condition, and I was already bored.
And this is where this blog comes in. You see, I love writing. I realized about half way through my enormous cookie that I would not be able to survive a job search on writing cover letters alone. I also realized that many of you might be in the same boat as I am and could use my failures as lessons on how not to go about recovering from being laid off. And eventually, you could learn from my successes on how to find a job. At the very least you can laugh at me as I struggle to network, apply and interview my way into the next step in my life.
Won't you join me?

I will post the first few posts from "Dispatches" here, and then I will discontinue. I'll continue to do my normal posting here. Please follow both, if that's what interests you.

~Beth

Recipe sneak peak: Boozy Glazed Irish Brownies

I'm so sorry for my absence. The news of imminent layoffs at my company combined with a change-of-the-seasons illness to put me out of the blogosphere for a few days. In fact, it's been a week since I've made these super delicious brownies. Let's just say that after I got off work on Monday (when our editor announced the impending doom), I was really grateful that I had already made myself the perfect food to gorge on in my delirious depression. I was cleaning the pan on Tuesday before I realized I had not shared the recipe with you, my faithful readers. So I offer a sneak peek at the recipe I will post when I return home after work today.



And, don't worry. You don't need to see the industry you've invested the last 6 years of your life in collapse around your ears as an excuse to make this. It's just as good as a celebratory dessert.

A change is gonna come...

Dear readers, I'm afraid that I sit on a precipice. Yesterday our editor told us that due to outsourcing, copy editors and designers would soon be obsolete at my paper. Those are the two areas I focus on right now (while I build my online skills on the side), so this means I can almost feel the hairs of the scope settling over me as the powers-that-be prepare to lay off 10-15 of us copy editors and designers. We won't know until at least next week, and likely more than three weeks, whether we still have a place here at my shrinking paper. It's just another blow to the newspaper industry and to those of us who attempted to embark on a career in a field that is apparently dying.
My company has gone through 3 sets of lay offs in the less than two years I've been working here. This will be the first time I've actually feared for my job. And the future is hanging heavily over my head.
I do have enough saved up to cover necessities if I were be laid off (call it my 3-month emergency fund that I've steadily grown to cover 5 months because I am so loathe to spend money). But I have virtually no job prospects, at least not in the state where I hope to eventually attend graduate school. I certainly couldn't afford a dog if I were to be laid off, and the fiance and I have been seriously talking about adopting one in the next few months. And, as the fiance said, the wedding is not a necessity at this point.
So, my dear readers, it seems my steady little world has been largely upended. Not only do I not know if I will have a job in three weeks, I also don't know if I will be married in 2010. Right now the plan is to find a venue with openings, but we won't consider offering a down payment or signing a contract until April, when all of this will hopefully be resolved.

Blog find: "Young House Love"

If you know me, you know I'm an obsessive blog reader. At last count I follow 81 blogs, split almost evenly among the general topics of design, food and weddings (and by follow, I mean I visit them at least 3 times a week). Whoa, this is the first time I've actually counted them. That's a lot.

Anyway, I've been building this list since senior year of college. Before that, I only ever read my friends' blogs. I still read those, but I only see them when they update, which is infrequent for most of them.

I began my obsession with food blogs, moved to design (think interior design) and, obviously, got on the wedding blog craze in September (I wonder why?).

I didn't discover one of my favorite design blogs until January. To be honest I can't remember where I found this one, but I'll tell you how I've built my 81-strong collection soon. Until then, let me introduce "Young House Love."


Here's the deal: A couple in their 20's buys a house that's over 50 years old outside of Richmond. The savvy couple decides to renovate and chooses to share their experience online. They can't be the only people to do this, but they are so popular because they are so down-to-earth and funny. And their house is lovely. It makes me want to buy a house and paint all the rooms (and change my mind and repaint, and then repaint again, or so their running joke goes). Seriously, one of the things I'm looking most forward to when I "grow up" is making a house my home. This couple takes you on a journey as they update their kitchen, bathrooms and bedrooms to sometimes jaw-dropping results. Through it all they were nice enough to include photo tutorials and fun hypothetical redesigns for readers.
Can I gush enough about this blog? Seriously go there, read it all and be entertained.

Less than a week left

I have bad news, dear readers. National Blog Posting Month is nearing its end. There is less than a week left of this exercise in wordiness, and I admit I feel accomplished. The first week, I had to remind myself (almost hourly, as I often put it off most of the day) to remember to write a post every day. But now, as I surf the Web in my downtime, I am constantly coming up with new ideas for posts. I've even found myself remembering to take a camera places so that I can write about that experience later on.
I set out in this endeavor with no clear goals, except the whole one-post-a-day-every-day-for-a-month thing. As I went along, in the back of my mind, I began coming up with what I hoped would come out of this experience. Here's what I've been thinking:

• Write something REAL in every post. Whether I am pointing you to new Web sites, showcasing inspiring photos from Flickr or sharing my review of a book, I decided almost at the beginning to make sure I wouldn't disrespect you by offering a lame post.


• Make regular posting a habit, so that I end up wanting to post and share my thoughts. In essence, I'm trying to train myself up for my other (more professional) blog.


• Come up with a theme or at least a general idea of what the point of this blog is. If I want to grow my reader base beyond my friends and family (and I would like to, one day), I have to come up with a "brand". Essentially a brand (a very popular term when it comes to blogging) is what you, as a blogger, are all about. Maybe your brand is sharing recipes and photos of healthy and organic meals, or your brand is showing your picks of the best new interior design finds in the Internet (both are brands of blogs I currently follow). In any case, brands are meant to not only attract readers with the same interests, but to also give them structure, so they won't be unpleasantly surprised when you start blogging about something that they have no interest in at all.


• Connect with people. I am a self-professed loner. But I do enjoy debating with people, sharing in a worldwide conversation about this book, or this food. I want people to comment on my blog, to respond to the crazy (or boring) things I have to say.

I haven't accomplished all of these goals. I have definitely passed even my own expectations on number one and two. I haven't quite accomplished number three, but I admit I have discovered that there are certain subjects that I enjoy posting about more often than others. The comments they generate are also more interesting. Maybe that's the first step in figuring out what this blog will become? And, slowly, I am getting you all, my faithful readers, to join the conversation that I hope this blog will become. So thanks for helping me get closer to that goal.

As we enter a new month, I can't promise that I will have a new post every day, but right now I can see myself posting three or four times a week with regularity. From food to Web sites to photography, know that I will continue to share my finds on the Internet. Please stay with me on this journey.

~Beth~

Directions

I've been thinking a lot lately. About my wedding and my relationships with my friends, and yes, even about how hilarious the new Big Bang Theory is. But what is ALWAYS in the back of my mind, simmering back there with the money issues and how much I want a dog, is what I want to do with my life. Every once in a while, it boils over and floods my brain with such extreme worry that it borders on anxiety, my shoulders tense up without me realizing it and suddenly I can't sleep at night, whether I'm being kept up by my thoughts or having vivid, distracting and disturbing dreams.
That's how my week has been.
It's not that I hate my job. If I get right down to it, I am thankful for my job. My schedule is such that I never rush to work. I work during the hours that I am naturally most awake and I get to flex creative muscles by designing pages and writing headlines. And I get paid and have benefits. I think I'd be in worse shape if I didn't have these factors in my favor.
But I still feel lost. I'm not doing what I always thought I'd be doing (writing) and I just feel like something is missing. I don't dislike my coworkers, but I'm not friends with any of them. And, I suppose, I don't feel like what I'm doing makes any meaningful difference.
All this comes together to make me consider abandoning journalism for a different field. I discovered a Web site where you can search for openings at nonprofits, and many of these organizations need people with my set of skills to come and widen their exposure to the public. I am beginning to feel that old excitement, of contemplating the possibility of changing my life for the better. I spend 8 hours a day at the workplace, I need to justify those hours doing something that I believe in. It's sad, but I have finally admitted to myself that I just don't believe in journalism anymore.

A lesson in (NOT) fear-mongering

So, one of the first wedding blogs I discovered after I got engaged was an entertaining and innovative site called The Offbeat Bride, which centers around breaking down the silly traditions that no one wants or remembers why they became traditions. It's about proving that your wedding CAN be what YOU want it to be, instead of what your mom wants or your overbearing grandmother wants, or what have you. Not that the blog dismisses people doing the normal wedding thing, as long as that's what the bride and groom wanted to begin with, it's all good with them.
I have had a lot of fun seeing other people have a lot of fun on their wedding day, on this blog and on other blogs. But once I got engaged, I also got hit with all the negative stereotypes about weddings and marriage from my friends, family and even just acquantances; everyone seems to want to share and become your sister (or brother) in the most terrible time of your life (that is wedding planning and your wedding day and even your basic life as a married individual).
Apparently I'm not the only one who has been victim of this fear-mongering, as Ariel, the author of Offbeat Bride, calls it. As she says in her witty analysis of this phenomenom of the Oh-you'll-seeeeee, when people constantly project their challenges on others and get angry when you don't get worried or decide just to not bother with that aspect all, "I think what goes unsaid (by the fear-mongers) is You HAVE to worry! It's what we're going to bond over, because bonding over hardship is awesome!"
I have to admit it's great to hear from someone who has been there that "it just doesn't have to be that way." I've heard so many negative things from so many other people, not just about the planning or the day, but about how love dies when you get married, or you get old and boring when you get married, or you will have kids when you get married (uh, not likely?). In any case, for everyone in any situation I think Ariel imparts a great truth in this part of her post:

"It seem that in our effort to find shared experiences, we turn to each other and tell awful stories about how hard it all is. And you know what? Sometimes it IS hard. Sometimes the wedding plans fall apart and relationships fall apart and it feels like our life is falling apart. But rather than tell the horror stories, why not share the lessons? Learn as much as you can and share the positivity of what you learned, rather than the shared grumping about didn't work."

A peek at a possible future

Until one fateful Sunday when I was bored at work and decided to read past editions of the New York Times' Sunday Magazine, I hadn't given much thought to what our marriage would be like. I mean, I assumed it would be more of what we do now, only with an added tax benefit. Then I began reading "Married (Happily) With Issues," the cover story of the Dec. 12 New York Times Magazine.

Overview
In it, Elizabeth Weil describes her marriage as "pretty good." Unfortunately for her analytical mind, Weil realizes that she thinks of her marriage as being "like the waves on the ocean, a fact of life, determined by the sandbars below, shaped by fate and the universe, not by me." She thinks that it is just "O.K." because they haven't tried. If her and her husband, Dan, begin to apply themselves, how much better could it be?
While this may be logical, it ends up leading to a storm of issues. As Weil recalls, "You set out to improve your marriage; it implodes."

Gut reactions
Over the course of reading the article, I began thinking about the boy and I.
Weil says this about their decision to marry: "We never discussed, or considered discussing, why we were getting married or what a good marriage would mean. It all seemed obvious. I loved Dan; I loved how I felt with him. Ergo I wanted to be his wife."
I was taken aback by that. That's what I feel. Is that the wrong answer? Suddenly I was asking myself, "Why do I really want to get married?" But I couldn't come up with anything else. Freaked out, I stopped reading for a day.

Monday, again bored at work, I decided to take a second crack at the article. That's when I read that Weil admits that "while working to improve our marriage, I found myself pushing my husband away." Things only got worse for the two as divorce eventually got brought up.
And through it all, I kept getting more scared. I mean, my family's history doesn't offer a vote of confidence for me making it in a marriage. Not only are my parents divorced, but their parents are divorced. Two of my mom's siblings are divorced (my dad doesn't have siblings to add to the pattern). Even my sister is getting divorced. The boy says this just means that I'll be breaking the pattern, but if I've had no good examples of marriage, how can I hope to be in a good marriage?

Weil concludes that the "good-enough marriage" is one in which both partners "keep growing, to afford them the strength and bravery required to face the world."
I do think we do this well. Each of us saves the other from ourselves, while at the same time we allow each other to be ourselves. The boy may do a little more of that right now, but as time goes on, I'm sure it will even out. I think the best lesson Weil has is the one she doesn't actually spell out: Don't try too hard. I think marriage comes a lot more naturally than she thinks. And the reasons for marrying come even more naturally. I think our reasons are just as valid as any other, and the fact that there was no surprise among any of our friends that we were getting engaged helps to drive that point home to me.

Bottom line

This article is worth the read, even if you aren't yet married. And despite not always agreeing with her dim view of marriage, it did get me thinking about my impending nuptials and the future they would bring. And, to me, the best marker of good writing is that it forces you to think about your own life.

First Christmas?

Travis and I have our very first Christmas tree. While it may not be the first Christmas that we've spent together, you could say that it sort of is our "First Christmas." And that realization has got me thinking.

We've known for a very long time (I would pinpoint June 2006 if you need a time frame) that we were (as we promised to ourselves) "in it for the long haul."

Until September, that was just an abstract promise. It became very real Sunday, September 6, 2009. Little things like setting up the tree, making dinner together and snuggling on the couch with hot cocoa while we watch a movie are things we'll be doing for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes I live too much in the future, looking forward to when I'll finally go to grad school, how awesome life will be when we move to Oregon, even the great times we'll have when we finally adopt a dog. I've learned it cheapens the present.

But moments like last night, when we turned off all the lights to look at how our cheapo Big Lots lights beautified our not so perfect tree (with its own set of imperfections and holes), when we got lost in a hug contemplating the moment and nothing else; that's where I want to live. Not in the regrettable past or the unknowable future. Right here.

Sunny days, starry nights

A flower blooms in Portland, (c) Beth Beck

The beginning of autumn has been lovely. Sunny days with sweet, cool tinge to the air give way to refreshing nights that seem to help the stars pop. I've always enjoyed being warm, but I think I prefer warming myself up with a cup of tea and thick sweater. Ah, Spring I miss you too. Your explosion of color to celebrate new birth. Your showers that wash the nasty grayness of winter away. But this is farewell for now. I hope to welcome your joyous blossoms soon, but for now, I think it's time for spiced hot apple cider, pumpkin carving and chili.

There's a very specific hierarchy in any newspaper. Essentially it's this: The publisher is boss. If he or she doesn't like it, then it changes. For a while now, we've also been relying on this power to get journalism out of this mess. This obviously hasn't amounted to much.

It's time to admit that the responsibility of saving the media really lies in every journalists' hands. Gina Chen at Save the Media blog has a post entreating journalists to step up to the plate. Most of us have been fully happy with waiting until our company gets around to asking us if we want to learn anything new. But a large problem seems to be that companies aren't there yet. They don't have the funds to train all employees, nor the psychic powers to know which ones are willing to train for new media jobs. To solve these problems, Chen points out steps that every journalist can take to help save the media:

• Educate yourself: Only you have the power to jump-start your training in online journalism. It can be a simple as playing around with your newspaper's video camera (with permission of course) to starting your own blog, just to get a feel for the medium.


• Reach out to others: There's likely to be someone at your paper with the knowledge to give you some unofficial training. It's all about experiencing something new so you can be that much more prepared to blow your editors away with an innovative suggestion.


• Read, read, read: There are hundreds of blogs out there with wonderful tips on journalism and even more on the basics of navigating the online world. See my blogroll for some of my favorites. You can use those to find others and so on.

As Chen writes at the end of her post: "Be part of the solution."