I understand now that being a student actually defines me, and not in a bad way. Well, I guess it doesn't really 'define' me so much as make me happy. I prefer to define myself by the things that make me happy than the things that make me depressed. Why do I think being a student (learning and researching and writing and debating) makes me happy?
Well, it's that magic moment, at least that's what I call it. If you've ever spent time researching and researching and researching for what seems like forever, you may be questioning my sanity in saying that I enjoy that. While research is interesting, what I truly enjoy, what makes me happy and feel as though all my cares have fallen away is that moment when everything clicks, when I suddenly discover what I've been searching for. It's that electrifying feeling of eureka. It's that moment that makes all of it worth it. After that moment, I'm on my way to having a solid thesis and paper that explores something that I am interested in or passionate about. But that first moment of understanding, that's magic.
I miss it. Terribly. Which is why I am so unhappy and find myself wishing for grad school. It's why I feel unfulfilled and sometimes refer to my job as 'dead-end.' It may even be why I prefer to sleep in all day rather than face a world bereft of that moment. It's also the reason I'm setting myself a list of goals meant to bring that moment back. From researching a topic in the hopes of coming up with a good paper, to (re)teaching myself a few newspaper-industry softwares (like Illustrator and Dreamweaver).
Here's to reaching those goals and feeling the magic once again.