Wednesday, July 8, 2009


Do you have this mental picture of yourself so that when someone asks you to describe yourself you can? I do. I've had a mental picture of the person I am boiled down to the basic adjectives that I always wanted to be described as. I guess the key here is 'want' cause I'm finding truths about my self (self in the sense of my emotions and viewpoints and habits) that I would have argued against until recently. I find that I am an angry person, quick to panicking over little things and impatient. I find that I like order, making lists, sticking to a routine. I find that I dislike being around new people, to the point that I can get physically sick if I'm subjected to them too much.

I've come to accept all these things about me, though many of them I hate.
I hate that I leap to anger so quickly, heart racing, curses flowing over something as stupid as someone not signaling when they change lanes in front of me.
I hate not being able to have a good time because 'having a good time' inevitably means 'being around people' and often means 'being around strangers.' I get apprehensive thinking about doing these things and then I syke myself out of doing them.
I hate that one of my biggest 'ideas' about myself (that I was just a laid back hippy at heart, who couldn't be contained by cubicles and would hate making lists and having structure and organization) turns out to be a massive lie. I'm not laid back. I'm uptight and easily disturbed, not by people making crude jokes or whatever, but by a change in schedule, deadline or organization.