Wednesday, July 8, 2009


Do you have this mental picture of yourself so that when someone asks you to describe yourself you can? I do. I've had a mental picture of the person I am boiled down to the basic adjectives that I always wanted to be described as. I guess the key here is 'want' cause I'm finding truths about my self (self in the sense of my emotions and viewpoints and habits) that I would have argued against until recently. I find that I am an angry person, quick to panicking over little things and impatient. I find that I like order, making lists, sticking to a routine. I find that I dislike being around new people, to the point that I can get physically sick if I'm subjected to them too much.

I've come to accept all these things about me, though many of them I hate.
I hate that I leap to anger so quickly, heart racing, curses flowing over something as stupid as someone not signaling when they change lanes in front of me.
I hate not being able to have a good time because 'having a good time' inevitably means 'being around people' and often means 'being around strangers.' I get apprehensive thinking about doing these things and then I syke myself out of doing them.
I hate that one of my biggest 'ideas' about myself (that I was just a laid back hippy at heart, who couldn't be contained by cubicles and would hate making lists and having structure and organization) turns out to be a massive lie. I'm not laid back. I'm uptight and easily disturbed, not by people making crude jokes or whatever, but by a change in schedule, deadline or organization.


1 comment:

  1. i've recently come to the realization that i'm rather uptight, love things to be just a certain way (aka, my way or close to it), and get annoyed easily when people don't bend to it. i hate this about me, but at the same time accept it... sometimes i refuse to believe it and pretend i'm the free flowing spontaneous up for whatever kind of girl that i always imagined myself to be. but in reality that's not me, and it'd take a lot of effort and a lengthy amount of time for that to change.

    perhaps this is why we get along, because we understand how neurotic we can be while refusing to fully admit to it. so we both go on pretending that we're those carefree individuals who are all about just enjoying life, when in reality we crave the full on structure and demand that people understand that about us.

    i love this post by the way, because it comes at a time where i can fully understand what you are saying and agree with you.

    have i told you i love you lately... and how ridiculous we both can be. (in a super awesome amazing good way... of course.) :-D