I just got back from a weekend at my mother's house. I don't know if it's that place or the people there, but I never sleep well (bad dreams and all). So of course I've been really tired lately. I did enjoy getting to see my bird, my cat and my dog. I gave them plenty of the love and attention I'm sure my mom and stepdad are not providing right now. It was a joy to have someone by my side whenever I was at the house (inside it was my cat; outside it was my dog). I need a dog at home.
The reason I went up there was to scatter my grandmother's ashes. She died a while ago, but it was only last weekend that we could finally get organized enough to get it done. We went up to Skyline Drive and scattered off a beautiful overlook (pictured at left). It was sort of a surreal experience, especially because neither my father nor sister are much into crying in front of people, so I spent the whole time taking pictures so that I could divert my attention away from the sadness. My sister didn't want to go near the ashes and the whole time I was imagining accidently inhaling them and then having to sneeze out my grandmother's remains. I then thought that I would want to be cremated but I'm not sure I'd want to put anyone through the experience of having to scattered the burnt up particles of someone you loved and talked to and laughed with. I then immediately went into the bathroom and cried.
There are big things happening with my sister now. It's hard to figure out how to deal with a family member when such things happen. We may know too much about each other to really help each other. I would give her money, but she wouldn't accept it. All I can do is talk, but because I'm the younger sister who *seems* to have her shit together, she never wants to listen to me because I "have no idea where she's coming from."
All that has added up to a really dark mood lately. Which is affecting everything. I need a lift but I'm not sure where to get it. I'm going to an Umbilical Brothers show on Saturday. Maybe that will at least take my mind off things. Which is why I need a dog. I need a creature to divert my attention away from my life. *sigh*